


Sleep is my lover now

by sonictrowel



Series: Long Night in the Blue House [59]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Flash Forward, Flashback, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-20 00:15:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11324688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonictrowel/pseuds/sonictrowel
Summary: Alarm bells were going off, faintly, in his mind as his hand moved to her waist.  Not the mortal peril kind, the serious kind.  The ‘This Sort Of Thing Is Not Done, Remember?’ kind that he got whenever he was tempted to let himself be a little too vulnerable— which was usually almost never.  Oh, he let himself get involved, get attached; did that all the time.  Let his hearts get broken again and again.  But he gave them the universe, the stars, all of time and space.  He didn’t give anything of himself.  That wasn’t how he operated.  That all stayed locked away, safely out of sight.Around River, the alarm bells were pretty much constant.  They’d deterred him at first, but he barely heard them anymore; he certainly paid them no mind.





	Sleep is my lover now

**Author's Note:**

> (Title is from the Time Traveller's Wife: full disclosure, I have not read it. I don't think I can cope with the feelings.)
> 
> Thanks so much for sticking with me, lovely wonderful readers! Hearing from you makes my day and keeps me going! :)

 

[Earth, 2017]

The Doctor told Bill that Time Lords didn’t sleep much, and for a lot of his life, that’d been true.  Sleep was boring.  There were loads of better things to do than lie about in bed.  Knitting, chess, seeing if he could build a particle accelerator from paperclips— that sort of thing.

That had all changed very rapidly the first time River Song spent the night.

He was young; she didn’t push him.  She just slipped under the sheets beside him, settling on her side with this guileless, loving smile on her face.  He couldn’t pretend he didn’t see the pain and longing in her eyes, or the depth of feeling that still made his hearts stutter in his chest with something like fear.  Something like, but not quite.

She wasn’t touching him.  Why wasn’t she touching him?  She was always doing that.  It would be very nice if she did; it usually (okay, always) was.  Her curls were fanned out above her head on the pillow and spilling over her cheek and her shoulder.  Her green eyes sparkled under her lashes.  Her lips looked soft and inviting as ever.  Kissing River, he could do that— he was getting quite practised at it by now, he thought.  It couldn’t be that different doing it sideways.

The Doctor’s hand trembled only slightly as he reached out to her face, thumb brushing over her cheek, fingers cupping her jaw and slipping into her hair.  The realisation was just settling in: whenever he was the one who reached for her first, her face lit up like a sunrise.  He swallowed down a wave of guilt and vowed to do it more often.

Her eyes drifted shut as the distance slowly closed between them.  He felt her warm breath on his skin and nuzzled his nose against hers before their lips brushed together, oh-so-softly.  She let out a quiet, shaky sigh.  So far, so… horizontal.  His lips parted as they met hers in earnest, and the rest of her was so very near now too, and probably felt as soft and warm and intoxicating as her mouth.  On some level he was aware that he would be the universe’s biggest idiot to squander this chance to find out.  

Alarm bells were going off, faintly, in his mind as his hand moved to her waist.  Not the mortal peril kind, the serious kind.  The ‘This Sort Of Thing Is Not Done, Remember?’ kind that he got whenever he was tempted to let himself be a little too vulnerable— which was usually almost never.  Oh, he let himself get involved, get attached; did that all the time.  Let his hearts get broken again and again.  But he gave them the universe, the stars, all of time and space.  He didn’t give anything of himself.  That wasn’t how he operated.  That all stayed locked away, safely out of sight.

Around River, the alarm bells were pretty much constant.  They’d deterred him at first, but he barely heard them anymore; he certainly paid them no mind.

He slid his arm around her back and pulled her closer and _oh._  ‘Soft and warm’ hypothesis very much confirmed.  This incredible sense of comfort radiated from her body to his, pressed close together while her fingers curled in the hair at his nape.  She made a little sound in the back of her throat that made his stomach do a flip, and he swore he could _taste_ the happiness blooming on her tongue.

The bells were turning into something else; being replaced with this sort of constant undercurrent to his thoughts that went _RiverRiverRiverRiverRiverRiver._

Oh, he was in trouble.  

He _loved_ trouble.

Kissing with her whole body pressed flush to his was creating… situations, as she was slowly moving against him in time with the gentle thrust of their tongues.  It was heady and overwhelming and a little bit terrifying and completely wonderful, and the Doctor realised only belatedly that he was sort of shaking like he was being slightly electrocuted.

He whinged in protest as River broke away.  She licked her swollen lips and watched him with concern written on her flushed face.

“Are you okay?” she asked, stroking her hand over his cheek.

A little bark of laughter escaped his lips.  “Very.”

That smile spread across her face again and his hearts and stomach did more of the jumping thing.

“Only, sweetie, you’re sort of, shaking—”

“Yes, that does seem to be, uh, happening,” he muttered, feeling his cheeks burn.  It was quite annoying and embarrassing, but all of this was proving to be a bit of a shock to his system.  His nerves were sparking like fireworks everywhere they touched and shivers were shooting uncontrollably up and down his spine.

River bent her head to place a soft kiss on the side of his neck, which was _very_ nice but did absolutely nothing to help the situation, before tucking her face into his shoulder.  He felt her breathe in deeply with her nose pressed into his collar, and she wrapped her arms around him before throwing her leg over his hip, drawing him even tighter against her.

The Doctor whimpered and buried his own face in her curls, feeling no less overwhelmed but incredibly secure in her warm embrace.

“Let’s get some sleep,” she whispered.

“Sleep?” he scoffed, his voice coming out much too high.  “I don’t really do that.”

River laughed, the puff of warm air on his shoulder and the musical sound of her voice soothing him a little more.

“Trust me.”

The Doctor swallowed.  

“I do,” he answered hoarsely.

She squeezed him tight and snuggled her cheek into his chest and his whole body shuddered.

“Goodnight, Doctor,” she whispered, punctuating it with a kiss, her lips warm through the fabric of his shirt.

“Goodnight, River,” he said, and if his voice trembled a little, she didn’t mention it.

___

He hadn’t been able to face their bed for weeks after Darillium.  Couldn’t bear the thought of lying in it alone, smelling her in the sheets, feeling the palpable emptiness where she should be curled in his arms.

But their bed was where he always found her, after all.  He could no longer be lulled by her comforting warmth, but once he managed to find sleep, they could be together.

The Doctor smushed his face into his pillow, turning his head back and forth with his eyes scrunched shut and trying to clear the visceral memories from his mind.  Or, well, maybe she’d just get Bow Tie tonight, if he couldn’t stop thinking about it.  He smiled a little to himself as he relaxed into the mattress.  That wouldn’t be so bad.

When his eyes fluttered open he was just where he’d fallen asleep— but he looked to the side, and the door to Athena’s room was missing.  He let the wave of longing wash over him, eyes screwed shut again until he felt like he could breathe properly.  He glanced at his hands— yep, Bow Tie.  He leaned up on one elbow and took in the dimly lit bedroom.

River was sat at the vanity, with her hair partially tied back.  He couldn’t catch her reflection from his angle.

“Hi honey,” he said, feeling a crooked, soppy smile spread over his face.

She whirled around in her seat, wide-eyed and gasping.  She had on these fluttery white sort of robes, and, not that she wasn’t utterly beautiful, but he fleetingly thought it was a bit angelic for her tastes.

“Doctor?” she whispered incredulously, her voice high and wavering.

“’Course it’s me,” he said, sitting up fully as concern began to rouse him.  “I was just remembering the first time you slept over, before I fell asleep, and well—” he gave her a single wave of his hand and smiled, “Hello.”

Her eyes were filling with tears, and he felt his stomach drop.

“River, what’s wrong?”

She was off the seat in a moment, flinging herself onto the bed and onto him.  His arms reflexively wrapped around her as he fell back onto the mattress, and before he could attempt to speak her tongue was in his mouth.

He hadn’t the faintest idea what was going on, but if this was what she needed he could certainly give it.  But then he felt hot tears falling on his cheeks, and he took her face in his hands, breaking away to look at her.

“River, what is it?”

“It’s you,” she whispered, petting the sides of his face desperately.  “It’s really you.”

“Wha— of course it is!  River, sweetheart, what’s—”

_Oh._

“You… haven’t seen me here before, have you?”  She shook her head, drawing in a wet gasp of air and rubbing at her eye as she offered him a weak smile.  “None of me?  Cause, you know, I’m not actually Bow Tie— I mean, well, I guess I am, in the sense that I always am—”

“No, none of you, darling,” she whispered.

“Oh, god, River.”  He felt dizzy and sick.  He threw his arms around her again, squeezing her close to his chest.  “I’m so sorry.  I’m so sorry I couldn’t tell you how, I couldn’t stop it, I knew all along and I still couldn’t stop it—”

She shook her head vehemently, her curls tickling his cheek.  “None of this is your fault.”

“How long?” he asked softly, his lips brushing her ear.

“I— I don’t know,” she answered shakily.

Dread closed in around his hearts like an icy fist.  “The dial?” he rasped.

She nodded against his shoulder.

 _Oh, no._ “Oh, River, I’m so sorry.  I’m such an idiot, I didn’t even know it was you.”

“I didn’t want you to.  It was before Darillium.  I knew seeing me would make it harder on you.”

“No, River, you shouldn’t— _no one_ should ever have to go through that, and if I thought there was any way I could’ve stopped you, I would have done, and sod the consequences, because you— not _you_ — oh, River—”  He was just blabbering incoherently now, and crying and grasping at her and kissing every little bit of her he could reach.

“You didn’t know who you were protecting,” she breathed into his ear.  “I did.  I had to help.  Had to make sure you kept going.  And I couldn’t leave you alone.”  She threaded her fingers through his and squeezed his hand.  “Even when you can’t see me, I just can’t leave you.”

“I’m never leaving you alone again,” the Doctor said, blinking to clear the tears blurring his vision.  “Not ever, alright?  I dream of you, like this, every night.  For— what is it now? A hundred years?  Until we’re back together, I’ll be right here.”

“How did you find me?” she asked, smiling and crying at once.

“You found _me_ , of course.  Oh, I guess this is when I tell you where and everything—”

“Actually,” she said breathlessly, her shaking hands pushing his braces over his shoulders and moving to his bow tie, “d’you think you could hold that thought, sweetie?”

“Oh.  Yes.  Absolutely.”  

He slid the clips out of her hair and hurried to strip her out of those rubbish white, un-Rivery robes.  When she was kneeling over him, naked and glowing with love and want, her chest heaving and curls tumbling wild over her shoulders, _then_ she looked right.  Then she looked like the blazing sun that she was, one he’d happily stare into until her light blinded him and there was only her glowing image left, seared into his mind.


End file.
